1,000 pages later.

hey people, i finished atlas shrugged this morning. ::highfive::

Heavy Metal Drummer

How nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o39YyA5XFfE

Love is hell....hell yes.

It's funny that sometimes I hear people say, "you're just infatuated with her", or "ehh, it's just an infatuation". What else is there? Infatuation is wonderful and why do I hear it being discredited as some mistaken attraction based on lust. I don't believe that love is fate, I don't believe that you are meant for one person. I don't think love is some kind of utopian emotion that will "find you and take you over" or whatever. Love is something that has to be worked at, constantly maintained. You have to want to love someone, you have control over who you love, you control your love, it doesn't control you. Infatuation is romantic, love is realistic, love is existing. As truly wonderful as love is, I don't think it is found too easily. Infatuation can happen everyday, love is the undesirable result of infatuation. It's so exciting to be infatuated, and once you realize you love someone, it becomes frightening, you become vulnerable. Truly being in love yields a pathetic and gloriously selfless nature. To be at the mercy of whatever someone else desires, or wants, to be dillusioned and naive. Love is necessary and when it's right, there's nothing that can even come close to it. When it goes wrong, it immediately becomes something you'll do whatever you can to forget. It's interesting how it works in those extremes. It's black and white, which makes it pleasantly simple and torturingly simple at the same time. Infatuation makes your heart weak, and love keeps your heart beating. Infatuation makes you act irrational, love makes you think about your actions. Infatuation is love's ignition. I love infatuation, and I'm afraid of love. Although, the scariest thought is to think about never loving anyone. I think everyone is afraid of that, maybe that's why "convenience" is easily mistaken for love. People want it so bad they lie to themselves...now that I think of it--love tows such a tight and deceptive line between disaster and happiness. Lately I've been listening to a lot of Third Eye Blind (I don't like the way Stephen Jenkins sings about sex, it's so "fratboyish") and Tom Petty, old Alkaline Trio and one certain Mellowdrone song. I hope you all had a good thanksgiving, mine was wonderful.

Cabernet

Today I went into the studio at 11 am. A bottle of wine and 8 hours later I was wrapping up one of the most enjoyable days at the studio yet. We dimmed the lights, drank wine, and just kind of had a good time while recording this song today, very mellow. I used a Gibson ES135 and hooked up through two amps, and two delay pedals (as well as other assorted pedals) and captured some great moments. I loved every minute of it. After that, we all had dinner (sans Mark) at Jacob, Dave and Benji's apartment and Dave and I sat outside and laughed at the fact that Stone Temple Pilots' record "Tiny Music....from the Vatican Gift Shop" was so incredibly amazing. Everything about that record, the tones, the songs, the bass lines, the drum sounds, every little thing is dead on. I absolutlely adore that record, and if by any chance you are reading this and you haven't heard it, please listen to it. That record contains two of my favorite guitar solos, I think the Deleo brothers are a couple of geniuses. Tomorrow I'm going to go watch the Bulls play the Lakers and then on Monday, I'll fly home to spend Thanksgiving with some family. I'm smiling as I go to bed. Goodnight.

don't take me seriously. merely talking.

My mind is chained to an idea that I am helpless to actualize. I'm chained like a depthcharge or something, unable to rise to the surface, unable to breath. I suppose there is nothing worse than hoplesness. In some ways it drives me to be homeless, wonder the streets and sidewalks, or maybe I can have an apartment with bare walls and chain locks. I'll just stay in hollywood, have an empty refrigerator and a dirty carpet. I'll become a victim of dillusion, hopless casualty of a dream, much like everyone in hollywood. Dreams are always lovely when you are asleep, but attempting to live dreams can easily become nightmares, sacrificed to the indifferent shrug of reality. It can leave you heartless, the worst picture of existence. Waiting for eternal return, hoping for every possibility of existence to play itself out until something vaguely familiar returns. Something memorable. The loneliest places in the world are the places that have the most wondering strangers, walking and shopping. Waiting for paychecks and weekends to forget about the fact that they live a life that is nothing like the lives the imagined when they were young, lives that were still untouched by seasons and GPA's, resumes and marriage. People start drinking to fit in, they keep drinking to bear with living. Drunkeness pulls the ground out from under you. It weakens gravity. The crowded highways that lead you to work become quite distant. You can exist like the Hindenburg, afloat in glory and celebration until you burn to the ground in a manner in which leaves people talking for years. How interesting, to become a story, a warning, a life lesson on how not to live. What do they know? What does anyone know? What do police know, what do parents know, what do priests know? What do singers and pop stars know, what do presidents and authors know, what do poets know? No one knows your life, no one knows your reasons but yourself, and you can take that as advantage, a sense of pride maybe? Or you can shrink from the isolation of self motivated reason...it's all quite uncertain, living. It's 11 pm and I'm being quite dramatic, but I guess I'm merely letting my mind wonder where it wants. Resigning to my lack of knowledge and understanding is liberating, but to remain in the dark is laziness. Goodnight. Forgive my spelling.

i love e.e. cummings

in a middle of a room
stands a suicide
sniffing a Paper rose
smiling to a self

"somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can't imagine real flowers for if I

could,they would somehow
not Be real"
(so he smiles
smiling)"but I will not

everywhere be real to
you in a moment"
The is blond
with small hands

"& everything is easier
than I had guessed everything would
be;even remembering the way who
looked at whom first,anyhow dancing"

(a moon swims out of a cloud
a clock strikes midnight
a finger pulls a trigger
a bird flies into a mirror)

scary question maybe.

"There is no such thing as a Christian child, there is only a child of Christian parents. Whenever you hear the phrase Christian child or Muslim child or Protestant child or Catholic child, the phrase should grate like fingernails on a blackboard"

Richard Dawkins said that. I wonder if I would be a "christian" if my parents didn't raise me as one.

PTA meetings.

My good friend got married today. I have known her since I was in Highschool. She is inquisitive, and no matter how bright it is outside, how dark it gets at night, or how cold it may be, she resonates the same warm glow. I remember when we became good friends, it was when I went to UCF. We existed in a world without consequences, or maybe we just didn't think of them. Our friendship was one of the more pure things I've experienced in my life, and it was always platonic. Although, some always thought our behavior was strange, a bit too comfortable and close. One semester in college, we had some classes together. In philosophy, she would always come in the classroom the same way and I swear she was always smiling. And what is great about it, is that I think she smiled right when she saw me. We sould sit there and pass notes to one another and talk about God and politics. We used to fight about politics, and we used to spend the night at each other's apartments. It was like we were 5 years old and didn't know about anything else save for the fact that we simply enjoyed each other's company. I imagine at point I was in love with her, maybe not. You know those friends that you have, or had, that are somewhat responsible for who you are today? She was one...one of the only ones. We would sit in her room and look at old pictures and talk about her favorite jeans, or Saves the Day, she taught me about Elvis Costello and Belle and Sebastian, and had a cat named penny lane. We wondered about families and laughed at how lame we used to be in highschool. She was into Ska when she was in highschool. One time we went to Jacksonville together and saw Saves the Day play, it was spiritual, Saves the Day always have been for me I think. At the show, she found Chris Connely and told him to dedicate a song to me, and he did. "This goes out to Zach from his lady friend", and then they started playing "Holly Hox Forget Me Nots." We've always been close, but that one semester was like a perfect episode of tranquility with a person. I remember laughing constantly, and learning even more. She is complex and analytical, and she knows me too well. She can look at my face and know what I'm thinking. I remember I wrote her a note, and I forget what it said, and she was getting gas at an Exxon and for some reason she put the note on top of her car for a second, and then she forgot about it, it blew away and both of us wonder what that note said. Anyway, she's married now, and her life will never be the same. After a ceremony that lasted no longer than episode of "friends", her life is not soley hers anymore. So I saw her get married and I felt like an outsider there, even though, at the same time, I felt that I knew about her life more than most people there, but thats arrogant and dillusional considering we haven't hung out for more than a day in the last 2 or so years, maybe more. I'm happy for her, she can grow old and lose her ideals and rebellion, not because of anything other than a shfit in focus. Her focus will now be on her husband, and she will get up everyday and worry about him. She maybe won't worry about abortion rights, or the next political election, she won't sit and analyze songs anymore, and she won't worry about seeing bands play, she will wake up every morning with one thing on her mind, being a good Wife to her husband, and in time, a good mother. So that's beautiful, when your priorities shift and your thinking revolves around someone else. Block parties and PTA meetings, a bland suburban existance that is wonderful because of who you love, not because of what you do everyday. I wish her many pleasant Sunday afternoons. Congratulations.

ee cummings continued

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

e.e. cummings

it may not always be so;and i say
that if your lips,which i have loved,should touch
another's,and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart,as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know,or such
great writhing words as,uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be,i say if this should be-
you of my heart,send me a little word;
that i may go unto him,and take his hands,
saying,Accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face,and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.

Recently Played

So, I thought I'd check out my itunes and see what I've been listening too lately, because whenever someone asks me that, I can never remember. So, let's check it out.

The Elected, Stone Temple Pilots, John Mayer, Iron and Wine, Sebadoh, (+44), Jump Little Children, Bob Dylan and the Band, Pearl Jam, Bright Eyes, Pantera, Ice Cube, Elliott Smith, NIN, Nirvana, Jimmy Eat World, Andrew Bird.

So that's it eh? Interesting,,,maybe not. Today, I'm kind of pleased. I don't get into politics too much on this blog, but I have to say that I am happy that the Democrats took the House and Senate. The GOP was kind of breaking down and it was getting to be quite pathetic...not that the Democrats are that much better, but I would rather, out of the two, the Democrats have majority. But across the board, the United States political system is hypocritical in many ways and unfortunately I'm becoming jaded and completely cynical. Political Campaigns are like fast food commercials, where on TV they show some plastic painted lovely hamburger, and then you go and order and what do you get? So, here we have politicians telling us everything that doesn't matter, being as vague as possible and smiling a whole lot. Ughh, whatever. Nothing new here.

It's always good to remember.

My friend Jess sent me this link and it's glorious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjXi6X-moxE&eurl=

God vs Science?

I read this on CNN.com tonight

"It's a debate that long predates Darwin, but the anti-religion position is being promoted with increasing insistence by scientists angered by intelligent design and excited, perhaps intoxicated, by their disciplines' increasing ability to map, quantify and change the nature of human experience.

Brain imaging illustrates -- in color -- the physical seat of the will and the passions, challenging the religious concept of a soul independent of glands and gristle. Brain chemists track imbalances that could account for the ecstatic states of visionary saints or, some suggest, of Jesus.

Catholicism's Christoph Cardinal Schönborn has dubbed the most fervent of faith-challenging scientists followers of "scientism" or "evolutionism," since they hope science, beyond being a measure, can replace religion as a worldview and a touchstone.

It is not an epithet that fits everyone wielding a test tube. But a growing proportion of the profession is experiencing what one major researcher calls "unprecedented outrage" at perceived insults to research and rationality, ranging from the alleged influence of the Christian right on Bush administration science policy, to the fanatic faith of the 9/11 terrorists, to intelligent design's ongoing claims. Some are radicalized enough to publicly pick an ancient scab -- the idea that science and religion, far from being complementary responses to the unknown, are at utter odds.

Finding a spokesman for this side of the question was not hard, since Richard Dawkins, perhaps its foremost polemicist, has just come out with "The God Delusion" (Houghton Mifflin), the rare volume whose position is so clear it forgoes a subtitle.

The five-week New York Times best seller (now at No. 8) attacks faith philosophically and historically as well as scientifically, but leans heavily on Darwinian theory, which was Dawkins' expertise as a young scientist and more recently as an explicator of evolutionary psychology.

Dawkins and his peers have a swarm of articulate theological opponents, of course. But the most ardent of these don't really care very much about science, and an argument in which one party stands immovable on Scripture and the other immobile on the periodic table doesn't get anyone very far.

Most Americans occupy the middle ground: We want it all. We want to cheer on science's strides and still humble ourselves on the Sabbath. We want access to both MRIs and miracles. We want debates about issues like stem cells without conceding that the positions are so intrinsically inimical as to make discussion fruitless.

Informed conciliators have recently become more vocal, and foremost among them is Francis Collins. Collins' devotion to genetics is, if possible, greater than Dawkins'.

Director of the National Human Genome Research Institute since 1993, he headed a multinational 2,400-scientist team that co-mapped the 3 billion biochemical letters of our genetic blueprint, a milestone that then-President Bill Clinton honored in a 2000 White House ceremony, comparing the genome chart to Meriwether Lewis' map of his fateful continental exploration. Collins continues to lead his institute in studying the genome and mining it for medical breakthroughs.

He is also a forthright Christian who converted from atheism at age 27 and now finds time to advise young evangelical scientists on how to declare their faith in science's largely agnostic upper reaches.

His summer best seller, "The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief" (Free Press), laid out some of the arguments he brought to bear in the 90-minute debate Time arranged between Dawkins and Collins in our offices at the Time & Life Building on September 30. Some excerpts from their spirited exchange are featured in this week's Time cover story."

The "battle" of God vs. Science is ridiculous. Why is there some idea that the two need to exists in some exclusive manner, one excluding the other.

Stream of Conciousness.

I bought some music today, Bob Dylan and the band, Bright Eyes, and Sebadoh...so far, I like the Dylan the best, but I think that's just because i've been listening to it. Today, Jacob powered through four more songs, the boy is on fire and I love it. I'm becoming more and more excited about the songs each day, I can't wait to lay some guitars down. Ok, so if anyone who is interested in guitars is gonna read this blog, what amp would you like to use the most? Marshall, Matchless, Sound City, Orange, Vox or Bogner. I'm on the fence here and I'm not sure what direction I want to go. I think I want to hit up the Marshalls first, for some reason...but I'm gonna try all the amps out. I feel like an idiot lately, my brain isn't really working. It isn't diving into any thought, it's just circling around some vague, pointless functions. I guess I've been thinking about the record recently, and analyzing it, thinking about what I want to do. Althought, it is all relatively foggy as far as details go...I don't want to overthink anything though. Last night was Halloween and it is probably my least favorite holiday behind Easter. When I was growing up, I didn't look forward to any holidays that didn't let me miss a day of school. Easter always required me to dress up extra nice for church, ughh. I'm sitting at this computer dazed right now, I am certain that I would be of no entertainment to anyone right now, merely because my mind is doing its own thing. Tonight, I'm drinking wine, and listening to a collection of songs that Bob Dyland recorded with The Band in some basement in Saugerties, NY...it's good. I wish I coulda been there to say the least. Hey, if you could relive one musical moment in history, what would it be? Interesting question perhaps, or what would it be like to relive any moment in history. It boggles my mind, history that is. I'm still reading Ayn Rand, her philosophy is something that I can only agree with on certain levels, but I wonder how her philosophy played into feminism. I mean, she is all about extreme individualism and empowerment to make oneself happy, not considering the well being of others, although, the sexual scenes in her books almost play out like rapes in some cases, very forceful and submissive on the woman's part, although, at the same time, it is always depicted as some fulfillment of base desires (or what the world thinks of as "base" desires) and that is merely satisfying oneself. I guess the confusion comes in the way she describes the scenes. I swear, I remember reading The Fountainhead and I could've sworn the hero in this book (Howard Roark) pretty much raped Gail Wynan. Oh well, knowing me and my lack of reading between the lines, I'm completely missing something.
Goodnight