unfortunate turn

"i go to bed with these books and i steal these ideas
the absence of order, a pouring of tears
throw up my hands as a matter of fact
we grasp in the darkness, a resigned disconnect
the sun breaks the clouds
a new born takes new air
the gun's being emptied
the sore knees, the despair
through days of the week we constantly chose
an idea of the world to ignore

each day i wake up and i walk the same path
convictions forgotten
shrugged God's midnight wrath
i'm rollin my eyes at self proclaimed shrinks
spewing advice sounds like vomit in sinks...blah blah blah"

i had a close friend seemingly abandon me this week, and it seemed quite irrational, although, to claim something as irrationial implies that one would have an idea of what is actually rational. another friend of mine was told (by someone else) what type of personality she had, another friend of mine is trying to repair a marriage interrupted by a simple mistake that was mutual, and i am always hindered by the same thing everyone else is. to think of one's problems as unique to what anyone else might experience is either naive or arrogant. i figure in one person's head it might be comforting to consider his or her problems common, while another might want his or her problems to be unique. tonight we leave for SC and i dont even know if anyone knows we are playing there, but does it really matter? i wish i could act upon virtues i recognize in late hours, although, i quickly forget these comforting ideals the next day. drunk and lucid--what a pleasant combination, maybe misguided. i haven't talked to God in a while, I guess i've ventured away from him/her lately....and maybe i should be more alarmed, but i'm not right now. i watched a bob dylan dvd tonight which led me to look up pete seeger on wikipedia, apparently he was a communist who actually went to jail during the crazed mcarthy era, what a nutjob mcarthy was. all political ideologies are perfect in theory, but humans always screw them up. humans screw everything up, it's funny that the word "sacred" is actually still around, because what is sacred? does anyone know? there's always things that are sacred on a personal level i guess...but how quickly our structure is forgotten at the possibility of profit or everlasting comfort, or self preservation, did i spell that right?...i know i'm rambling. i bought the new blonde redhead on vinyl the other day, and i bought the new "explosions in the sky". but i think i've been listening to bright eyes the most lately, there is a lyric in a new song of his, it says,
"Headlights or Taillights it's a flip of a coin
I have been coming and going since the day I was born
And I followed the breadcrumbs but I never got home
I grew old in an instant now I am all on my own"....
is it ok to quote bright eyes anymore? has he become a parody of himself yet? who cares....everyone thinks they have a grasp on something...it's funny. i was gonna say something else, but i forgot what it was.

dignity?

so, tonight we played our last show of the 2nd leg of the tour in Kansas City and it was a good one, I had a lot of fun. The one thing I remember most about the day is kind of embarassing, but I can take the heat. My friend Emily came to KC to do some research, and it just so happened that I was there at the same time, so we got to hang out. We didn't do much, just talked about music, church camp lunacy, and the counter productive nature of certain "youth groups" and "retreats", and the hypocritical and contradictory nature of our own lives (maybe just mine?) in general. It was a good time. Today was beautiful, we ate at Cheesecake Factory with very eager waiters and waitresses, we threw a frisbee and played basketball, and she beat me..yes, she beat me. That is the embarassing part...(with the massive sexist implications aside)..a GIRL beat me. Ughh....she has a good shot! Later, her and I joined teams and played a game against Dave and Matt Hoopes from Relient K, we got kicked off the court before we finished the game, but at that point, my team was winning. So let's just say that we won right? I'm uber tired, but tomorrow I get to go home to VA for a few days.

"swim with me and escape all the troubles of the present age, finally free"--i like that.

hey, thanks.

Hey everyone, we play shows everyday. We have good shows, and we have bad shows. We have shows that feel like we're boring, we have shows where the energy that we try our best to give (as exhausted as we get) collides with the energy the crowd gives back, and it becomes this immaculate amalgamation of spirit and energy, mutual appreciation--and nothing could be better. Sometimes we have technical difficulties, and sometimes we might seem flatline. All that being said, there is a bottom line that I want to get across. We can't thank our fans enough, we know a lot of people might see us and forget us, some people might like us, and there are those of you who make it a point to let us know how you feel, and we will never be able to get used to it, and it continues to reaffirm our reasons for making music. We deal with a bunch of shit sometimes that takes our minds so far away from making music, the business of it all drags on us like school work. I don't want go into some rant about how "tough" it is...we're very fortunate, but we're five dudes with lives all the same...lives that include loved ones we rarely see, houses we barely live in, relationships, sickness, writers block, lack of inspriation, cyncicism, humility, uncertainty, etc. Although, the relationships and interaction we have with our fans is always refreshing, always inspirational. Without, we couldn't do this. Thank you. Thank you.

irrationality.

the other night in vancouver, dave and i wondered upstairs to a bar. we walked inside and there were two men with testerone bubbling, watching hockey and drinking beer. we sat down at the bar and ordered some wine, and sat there, talking to a girl with lipstick and a child, and a bar tender who looked like a cross between a salesman and wax figure, with the gentle nature of an uncle that your parents keep somewhat distant for the sake of sheidling the truth...ya know, despite his gentle nature, he's somewhat of a bad influence, but at the same time, he's your favorite uncle. seinfeld came on the tv and the bar tender started reciting lines from the show which immediately put him in my good graces. i leaned back on my barstool and laughed like a regular, he told us that coors beer is a good beer, while i chuckled to myself and sipped more wine, i enjoyed the moment...in vancouver, dirnking wine with dave, and laughing at seinfeld, and a man who perhaps loves seinfeld as much as i do, and who loves hockey just as much. the example of a pleasant existence, a humble existence with nothing to prove, with no agenda but to exist with a smile throughout the week.

juxtaposed.

I'm in the front lounge of the bus, driving north from Portland to Seattle, and on either side of me, there are the forests where the color green was invented, a grey sky that houses inspiration and intropsection, and a lucid serenity that makes everything else seem like a waste of time. I'm feeling kind of slow this morning. Another close friend of mine is getting married soon, I saw her in San Francisco and even though she's the same age as me, she is a lot older. I opened up CNN.com today (which has become increasingly lame lately) and I read about a school shooting at VA Tech, and the Old School DVD is on the title screen on the TV, repeating itself over and over. So here I am...I feel like a conduit for stories and ideas, songs and thoughts, pictures and naive or misplaced desires to pass through. Nothing is really sticking lately, I haven't opened a book in a few days. Sometimes I don't really konw what Elliott Smith is singing about. When I was in High School, one of the main problems I had with reading was that I never really picked up on symbolism or underlying themes, etc. I still have that problem I think. Sometimes my friends point out the most obvious things to me that I should've picked up on...Elliott Smith is perfect example. The song "Twilight". We did a photoshoot yesterday, it went well. I spent a few hours in different clothes, some that felt like me, some that didn't, looking into a camera pretending I'm sure of myself. The photographer was Alicia Rose, she was fun, and good at what she does. After the shoot, Dave and Jacob and I ate at a restaurant and had some drinks and didn't say much of anything. We didn't really need to.

HAHA

dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Oh let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on
Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born
Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn
Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn
Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love
Dance me to the end of love

(leonard cohen)

Spiritual Discourse.

The other night in Houston, a kid came up to me and asked about whether or not we were a "christian band" (whatever that means), or "christians in a band"...and what does that mean? Each definition implies missionary like tendencies. We've repeated this a billion times, it makes me wanna scream. We do not have missionary goals AT ALL. We are simply a band, a group of five people who write and perform music. Anyway, moving on....this young man was curious. In most cases, I don't mind this kind of discussion, at all, in fact, in most cases, I encourage. Although lately, it's become very taxing and exhausting. It all started with the Davinci Code. Ever since that movie, there has been an abundance of TV programs on the History Channel, or the Discovery Channel, etc. about the "truth of life the of Jesus", or whether or not there is a "blood line", or whether or not Jesus and Mary were romantically involved, blah blah blah. So as this conversation went on, I tried my best to make it clear that the over all vibe reguarding spirituality in Mae was one of uncertainty. I will not speak in detail of the other members, but I can tell you that my opinion has really been to have no opinion at all. I have no guidelines for "christian living" or living at all. I've heard the phrase religious existentialism lately and I think that best describes me right now, a disconnect with Christ, a struggle to find His meaning. In a book I read, it described us as all being in the dark, blindly grabbing for "Gods cloak." I will never take any stance of authority on understanding the bible, or hearing God's word, or any thing like that. I am very opinionated, but, never sure of giving advice. I remember in church growing up, we were always pushed to "spread the Gospel", or "witness", and I have always been very uncomfortable doing anything of that nature. It's not that I'm ashamed of whatever it is I believe, it's simply because of the fact that I am so in the dark when it comes to understanding Christ, and I have no idea about what is going on in the person's life I would be talking to, that I would be somewhat of a hypocrite to do so. I can't promise anyone that God will change thier life, all I can do is answer questions to the best of my ability if someone else is interested. The Bible and the word "faith" mean nothing to someone who doesn't believe. How audacious is it, for me or anyone, to tell someone who I don't know that they will go to Hell if they don't do this or that. I remember I had a friend one time who was asking me I thought he was going to hell cause he wasn't a "christian"....and it hit me, who am I to tell anyone that thier belief will lead them to suffering or whatever Hell is. On top of that, no one should believe in something merely out of fear of punishment, or Hell.
Getting back to the conversation I was having, after hearing what I had to say, he said, "simply put-God is love and love is real." I am not going to disagree with him, but I didn't say anything in response.

everyone

everyone is just like me.
afraid
uncertain
motivated
lazy
jaded
despondent
hopeful
realistic
idealistic
loving
hateful
ugly
pretty
self conscious
greedy
confused
cognitive
unsure
drunk
angry
unique and typical all at once.