Saturday, April 28, 2007

unfortunate turn

"i go to bed with these books and i steal these ideas
the absence of order, a pouring of tears
throw up my hands as a matter of fact
we grasp in the darkness, a resigned disconnect
the sun breaks the clouds
a new born takes new air
the gun's being emptied
the sore knees, the despair
through days of the week we constantly chose
an idea of the world to ignore

each day i wake up and i walk the same path
convictions forgotten
shrugged God's midnight wrath
i'm rollin my eyes at self proclaimed shrinks
spewing advice sounds like vomit in sinks...blah blah blah"

i had a close friend seemingly abandon me this week, and it seemed quite irrational, although, to claim something as irrationial implies that one would have an idea of what is actually rational. another friend of mine was told (by someone else) what type of personality she had, another friend of mine is trying to repair a marriage interrupted by a simple mistake that was mutual, and i am always hindered by the same thing everyone else is. to think of one's problems as unique to what anyone else might experience is either naive or arrogant. i figure in one person's head it might be comforting to consider his or her problems common, while another might want his or her problems to be unique. tonight we leave for SC and i dont even know if anyone knows we are playing there, but does it really matter? i wish i could act upon virtues i recognize in late hours, although, i quickly forget these comforting ideals the next day. drunk and lucid--what a pleasant combination, maybe misguided. i haven't talked to God in a while, I guess i've ventured away from him/her lately....and maybe i should be more alarmed, but i'm not right now. i watched a bob dylan dvd tonight which led me to look up pete seeger on wikipedia, apparently he was a communist who actually went to jail during the crazed mcarthy era, what a nutjob mcarthy was. all political ideologies are perfect in theory, but humans always screw them up. humans screw everything up, it's funny that the word "sacred" is actually still around, because what is sacred? does anyone know? there's always things that are sacred on a personal level i guess...but how quickly our structure is forgotten at the possibility of profit or everlasting comfort, or self preservation, did i spell that right?...i know i'm rambling. i bought the new blonde redhead on vinyl the other day, and i bought the new "explosions in the sky". but i think i've been listening to bright eyes the most lately, there is a lyric in a new song of his, it says,
"Headlights or Taillights it's a flip of a coin
I have been coming and going since the day I was born
And I followed the breadcrumbs but I never got home
I grew old in an instant now I am all on my own"....
is it ok to quote bright eyes anymore? has he become a parody of himself yet? who cares....everyone thinks they have a grasp on something...it's funny. i was gonna say something else, but i forgot what it was.

7 Comments:

Anonymous A.J. said...

Ok, so you were actually on my mind tonight...yeah, that sounds crazy or mostly absurd to me since I don't know you, but sometimes I think we are all just interconnected somehow on this ridiculous planet. So, if someone is hurting or angry or confused and we're supposed to know about it in our hearts, minds, spirit, whatever then I think we will for reasons that we may never see this side of Heaven...
So...I was watching the movie "Pearl Harbor" tonight and inspite of all the usual romantic chick reasons I usually watch this movie for tonight was different. I caught myself thinking "Why is there so much seemingly unnecessary suffering in this world???" "Why would God allow all those soldiers to be killed like sitting ducks when He is God & could intervene if He wanted to?" Then I found myself wondering what you would think about this? I find it sooo hard to reconcile the attribute of God's character to be "love" when there is soo much pain in this world. And then I thought about what the Bible says "love is"--that it "suffers long...bears all things,believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things." Then I thought about what a ridiculous hypocrite I am to think I want to be married someday, to love someone as Christ loves me...He actually CHOSE to suffer for me!?!What?!Ridiculous! I can't even get through the daily trials without wanting, in all honesty, to pull the covers over my head & drown out the noise of this world! And yet, there is a part of me that still hopes...
Two quotes at the end of the movie really gave me pause. One was while a soldier was totally annihilated, breathing his last breath & someone said to him "Hold onto your faith my son. Remember pain is temporary, but glory is forever" (he then spoke of the glory to come when the soldier met his Lord on the other side). And the other was this--"Love kept me alive...your love helped me come back home."

I need this & I thought of you when I read it tonight...

"Lord, teach me to listen. The times are noisy and my ears are weary with the thousand raucous sounds which continuously assault them. Give me the spirit of the boy Samuel when he said to Thee, 'Speak for thy servant heareth.' Let me hear Thee speaking in my heart. Let me get used to the sound of Thy Voice, that its tones may be familiar when the sounds of earth die away and the only sound will be the music of Thy speaking Voice. Amen." (A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God)

1:17 AM

 
Anonymous Jenny said...

I think its okay to quote anyone as long as you personally find them quoteable. I seem to find people who aren't ashamed of liking a certain kind of music or a certain type of books even though everyone says their "not cool" to be quite charming. That sentence was a bit run on. I never seem to know what I'm talking about anyway.

8:01 AM

 
Blogger talli said...

"another friend of mine was told (by someone else) what type of personality she had"

"and i am always hindered by the same thing everyone else is. to think of one's problems as unique to what anyone else might experience is either naive or arrogant."

"i wish i could act upon virtues i recognize in late hours, although, i quickly forget these comforting ideals the next day."

These are three things that stood out to me in your post. Mostly because I've been thinking about these things and going through them lately as well. Like A.J. said, we are all somehow interconnected on this planet. Like when there's an amazing night sky and everyone you know looks up and sees this and experiences this and feels God's presence, it's just amazing to think about (that exact thing happened a few months ago.)

Anyway...I've been told within the last week what my personality is and how I need to change it in order to be in a relationship. I was also told that no one's perfect, and I can't expect to find the perfect guy. To which I responded, I am constantly changing and trying to better myself so when I'm done doing that, I'll find a guy. Not a perfect one, but the one that is the most perfect for me.

I also often find myself naive (and sometimes arrogant, it depends on the situation) and thinking that my problems are something no one could understand and that I'm the only one who has ever felt this way, which is completely not true. And when I realize this or other things, and promise to make it a point to change those things and be a better person, I'm all about it--that is, until someone hurts me.

My main goal right now is when faced with the choice of being selfish or selfless, choose the latter. It's a simple virtue, but difficult to actually act upon. But if used right, could change your whole life, and maybe even someone else's.

8:30 AM

 
Anonymous Liz said...

Talli, I feel you on this one. My friends (most of whom are in a relationship) are constantly telling me what I need to do to snag the "perfect" guy, and what they don't realize is that I don't want a relationship right now. What works for them doesn't work for me at the moment. I'm still working on myself before I try to tackle the two-person dynamic. Plus I don't think anyone is perfect. Just like Zach said, to be human is to be imperfect.

8:28 PM

 
Blogger Melanie said...

I don't know if I can add much to what A.J. has said, except that I have been thinking of you a lot for some reason as well, so maybe it is that God does indeed know your struggles to put you on our hearts right now. I so wished I would have had a chance to chat in SLC.

Everyone's situation is unique. It always seems to feel like we are the only ones going through something, and in some ways we are because we are unique, but it's also a comfort to find out you are not crazy and others go through the same things as you do. Life is never easy (as you well know), and I'm so far from perfect I sometimes wonder why a perfect being would bother with me, but there is also much beauty in it despite all the ugliness. Maybe we need the contrast to truly appreciate it?

Hang in there. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

--Melanie

P.S. I always think I'm not going to add much and then write books. ;)
Just thought I'd add that "sacred" really just means "set apart" or "set apart for God." Sometimes we make it more complicated than that, because humans are also good at making things complicated when they shouldn't be.

2:12 PM

 
Blogger yoori said...

i definintely can't add any more to what aj and melanie said.

drunk and lucid? wish i could pull that one off.

i saw you guys in south carolina. amazing as always. weird crowd though.

i love explosions in the sky and the new bright eyes. i also love reading your ramblings.

3:35 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love how you say what's on your mind. honesty is quite a trait.

7:22 PM

 

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