it smells like smoke

i haven't updated much lately because lately i've been consumed fingers of thought based on what i've said already, over and over again. I've written enough about "the great disconnects". lately i've been finding slight similarities in the writings of authors which i've always admired, and it's exciting. it's wonderful to find a constant current among different oceans, it pulls the universe a bit closer together. When the book of Romans, Dostoevsky, Kierkegaard, CS Lewis and Camus convene at one point in your head, your heart skips a beat..mine does anyway. I've been milling over the idea of the "necessity and validation of the concept of suffering", it's trying at times, but all in all...a great fun time! I've also been thinking about trying to go to a new church, but everyone I drive by looks the same. I know how they will smell when I walk inside, I know that I will be given a program, I know the songs they will sing....and I know I'm being very assuming, but I'm just being honest with you. Knock me down and drag me out! I want to go to Minneapolis, I have friend there that I will call the midwest version of myself, embodied in a softer shell. There are these fires burning in North Carolina and the smoke is drifting into Chesapeake, I can smell it from my bed when I wake up in the morning. Last night, driving home from "night club parody", I could barely see the tops of cranes through the haze. It's such a strong odor when I walk outside, oppressive. We're driving away this week to play some shows and record some more demos in Pennsylvania. We haven't rehearsed since we've finished last, we've been to busy figuring out our plans for the rest of the year and into 2009. They are all based on our own ideas, not anyone else's. We're excommunicating the influence of nitwits and leeches.

I read somewhere recently that loving someone and being in love is not the same. You can be in love with someone and hate them at the same time.

"the paradox of modern existentialism is that it's created new systems of thought in spite of its efforts to persuade us that reason is an insufficient tool for shaping a modern world view"

"man is bound to be guilty; our reasoning judgement can only intensify our pain"

"recognition of suffering is the first step in opening your door to its influence"

a mainstream politician that actually makes sense sometimes!?

Fanatical tyrant James Dobson criticized Barack Obama recently for " deliberately distorting the Bible and taking a 'fruitcake interpretation' of the U.S. Constitution" after Obama pointed out the very sober and rationally inclined statement that it would be very hard to shape policy based solely on scripture in the Bible. This is a very good point and I agree, but James Dobson does not agree, because James Dobson has a very tragic case of dogmatic tunnel vision. I don't get it really. I'm sure James Dobson is a very smart individual, so it's strange that his approach to understanding humanity is so skewed. Obama's comments are below.

"Which passages of scripture should guide our public policy?" Obama asks in the speech. "Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is okay and that eating shellfish is an abomination. Or we could go with Deuteronomy which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount."

"So before we get carried away, let's read our Bible now," Obama also said to cheers. "Folks haven't been reading their Bible."

I recently watched a documentary called, "For the Bible Tells Me So" and it was about the existence of homosexuality within Christian families. There was a segment about a religious family who had a gay son and that family ended up starting an organization which spoke out against the church's approach to dealing with the "problem" of homosexuals. The family picketed outside of James Dobson's headquarters, ya know..."Focus on the Family" and Dobson had them arrested for trespassing. Whatever. The DVD was good, it was an echo of things I already believe. All in all, it was depressing. There was one story of a girl who ended up killing herself because of her mother's reaction upon hearing she was gay. It's all so perplexing, people's reaction to it. I don't understand, but I don't feel it's necessary to understand it. It's not as if, upon hearing if someone is gay or not gay, I will adjust my tolerance or opinion of them as a person. My opinion of someone should not be dependent upon a behavior that is, for as much as I understand it, benign in relation to myself and others. People can say what they want about how they think it affects development of a person, or a family, I have my own views on the topic, spirituality and science aside.
Anyway, Barack Obama has made some interesting political moves of late, but I like that he said this. It points out the very simple fact that if each president used scripture to dictate public policy, it would be vary with each president. Interpretation would definitely become and issue and therefor each different "decider" would decide on different scriptures and different meanings of those scriptures to implement legislation, and that would definitely invade the subjective world of morality (and each person's right to their own brand) in a broad sense, which would ultimately undermine the US Constitution. As my mother has told me before, "you can't legislate morality".

what if

"This is what I see and what troubles me. I took on all sides, and I see only darkness everywhere. Nature presents to me nothing which is not matter of doubt and concern. If I saw nothing there which revealed a Divinity, I would come to a negative conclusion; if I saw everywhere the sings of a Creator, I would remain peacefully in faith. But seeing too much to deny and too little to be sure, I am in a state to be pitied; wherefore I have a hundred times wished that if a God maintains nature, she should testify to Him unequivocally, and that, if the signs she gives are deceptive, she should suppress them altogether; that she should say everything or nothing, that I might see which cause I ought to follow. Whereas in my present state, ignorant of what I am or of what I ought to do, I know neither my condition nor my duty. My heart inclines wholly to know, where is the true good, in order to follow it; nothing would be too dear to me for eternity. I envy those whom I see living in the faith which such carelessness, and who make such a bad use of a gift of which it seems to me I would make such a different use."

This is another excerpt from Blaise Pascal. This kind of touches on what was a big issue for him, God's ambiguity in presenting the truth of His Divinity. Of course, if what Pascal was arguing turned out to be the case, it would eradicate the idea of the "leap of faith" and ultimately transform the self-motivated worship of God into the same thing as paying taxes, that is, a rote begrudged obedience to an institution which demands recognition and homage based on it's mere existence and proclamation of truth, although..I'm curious about the response that would evoke. Paying taxes to the government is obviously not the same thing as being a continual witness to the truth of God. Knowing our flaws in understanding and practice of living..(whether it be spiritually inclined, or of a humanistic approach) it seems that God, if he/she were to clearly make Him/Herself known, would just bring about chaos and thoughtless repentance and worship. I don't know if Pascal realized what he was asking for, but considering the unrest that God's ambiguity brings about, I can totally relate to what he's saying. Especially the last part of the excerpt. Goodnight.

i read you like the bible, i don't understand much.

i can't seem to make progress. i can't seem to move forward. it's frustrating to be trapped in the nostalgia of a college apartment and lavender dress. curse the day.

do the evolution

I saw pearl jam twice in one week. I think they've slipped into my number one. they never cease to amaze me. everything they do as a band makes sense.

romance and pascal

i think romantics are foolish, and i should say that when i use the term "romantic" i'm referring to what Kierkegaard calls the "aesthetic". I think that romantics are slaves to the idea of possibilities, taken under influence, like blind men, of passing desires. always drunk, fools for "passion". Blaise Pascal says that if "we offend principles of reason, our religion will be absurd and ridiculous", and I think that the same idea can be applied to passion. Passion without an anchor of rationality becomes comedic, and tragic. I've seen it in others and I've seen it in myself, but I think I've out grown it, or been forced to move passed that blissfully stagnate "honeymoon" of optimism and unhinged possibility. Although, that is not to say I hope to eradicate my "romantic" tendencies altogether. There is a difference between "romanticism", and being "romantic"...I do not want to be a romantic, I want to hide my romantic tendencies and reserve them for someone that is interesting enough to evoke it. I've had this idea for a while, it's silly, but picturing it in my head is good fun. I want to let myself become something entirely revolting. I will try to develop, what Nabakov refers to as, "the lucky star of the russian face." Yeah, I'll let myself go and hang out on a park bench, but I will retain my manners and always stay polite, work on my charm, build it out of a knowledge of history, literature and political/biblical proverbs and be on my best behavior. If, in this state, I meet someone willing to offer me their affections, that would be a worthwhile victory, although, the whole idea is silly. I'm sick of hanging around and misguided ideas. I was watching "Sleepless in Seattle" last week and while watching the movie I found myself singing along to every song that was in the movie. The reason I know all of these songs is because my parents used to play the soundtrack in the car on long trips. Gene Autry, Jimmy Durant, Louie Armstrong singing light hearted songs about love, relationships, heartbreak, etc. So, this is revealing.... this is a small microcosm as to why I experienced a fit of "meg ryan movie" like idea of relationships for a few years..or maybe I'm still fighting it because it's imbedded into my subconscious. Ugh.

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I like Blaise Pascal and this is why. I was reading some of his writings on the plane ride back to VA and I found something that was a perfect summation of something I've thought for a while. I love it when I read things I relate to.

"They are overwhelmed with business, with the study of languages, and with physical exercise; they are made to understand that they cannot be happy unless their health, their honor, their fortune and that of their friends be in good condition, and that a single thing wanting will make them unhappy. Thus they are given cares and business which make them bustle about from break of day. It is, you will exclaim, a strange way to make them happy! What more could be done to make them miserable?"

"The only thing which consoles us for our misery is diversion, and yet this is the greatest of our miseries. For it is this which principally hinders us from reflecting upon ourselves, and which makes us insensibly ruin ourselves. Without this, we should be in a state of weariness, and this weariness would spur us to seek a more solid means of escaping from it. But diversion amuses us and leads us unconsciously to death."

I think that "distraction" or "diversion" is one of the negatives characteristics of the current architecture of living. We are forced to plan ahead and look towards the future as an approach to survival, not meditation or enjoyment of your existence. Self preservation or providing for your family dictates that you focus on rote practices in order to keep your head above water. Some are more fortunate than others, but I do not think that challenges the psychology that I feel has developed over the past few decades. I feel like the (american) dreams have deteriorated.

dennis kucinich! and a lack of "caps"

I'm in Ft. Meyers right now, I'm lucky enough to spend whole wii filled week with my brother and his wife. my brother is a beer snob, he won't even touch killians irish red, he says it's not even irish, it's brewed in the states. he's a fan of samual adams and assorted IPA's. while i'm here, i am trying to make my way through "crime and punishment", and i'll be damned if every time i try to sit down and read this book, my eyes don't fall shut 4 minutes later. i started the book last week, and i've just made it to page 50. uffda. so far today, i've gotten out of bed, taken care of some emails, eaten some cereal, caught up on the current events of the political sphere (www.thehuffingtonpost.com, reddit.com, thinkprogress.org), and I watched the daily show and the colbert report, and then I decided to go swimming. the pool was empty, and when i walked up to the gate (it's a community pool) i saw that it appeared to be locked and that there all these signs posted saying that there is a surveillance camera and that trespassers will be prosecuted. I was afraid i'd be locked out of the pool, so i kind of poked around the lock trying to get in, i'm sure i looked suspect and primitive. and after all of my investigative poking around, i realized the gate wasn't locked. so I opened it up and went in, I swam some, and then tried to read, but the sun's reflections off the pages were too bright, and i don't like the way i look with sun-glasses, so I put the book down and tried my best to lay out in the sun, but i hvae a hard time relaxing when i can feel my heart beating so clearly and defnitively. after that i went back to my brother's house and got a shower, made pizza bites and played 3 games of wii bowling. and then i tried to read again, but i fell asleep, and the i opened my eyes, upset at myself, and then i tried to read again, and once again, i fell asleep. lame. after that i recieved some great news on a conference call and now i'm doing this, ya know, writing with a lot of run-on sentences.
this is my day. a true day off.
i miss benj and jacob and dave and josh. i've been away from my house a whole lot lately, and while i am super happy that i am spending more than 2 days with my brother, i do miss my house.
it's strange that a person can be completely enamored with someone for a few months, and then realize that they were under the influence of a passing feeling, or a victim of wishful thinking, which results in the moment that reveals the two people don't have much in common. it's frustrating...but it's better than to call it when you see it than to waste your time becoming more and more involved all the while denying that negative tinge screaming at you with every heart beat. the emotions involved were not fabricated, and then fun that was had was genuine, which makes it all the more confusing and infuriating. convenience and dead relationships exist in close proximity to each other, and the numb nature of a convenient relationship is big waste of emotion and time.
isn't dennis kucinich great representative? he's still trying to get pres. bush impeached, and i think it should be brought to the nation's attention. he called out the president on like 35 points of questionable actions, but i have not seen it mentioned in mainstream media. C-span covered it, but did i miss it somewhere else?

"it was fun with you, the dog, the walks, the wine, rollercoasters, aerosmith, very cliche black and white photobooth, fresh salmon, veggie burgers, botanical gardens in the winter, the mountatin of trash was traniquil too, tecate on superbowl sunday. your photogenic nature rubbed off on me a bit. thanks for the shampoo and teaching me to look you when the eyes when we toasted. hope you like the magnets"

hand me that flask i just can't take it.

When you drive a nail through all that's good,
the carpenter becomes the wood.
If my concentration sounds like wreckage,
it's 'cause I got a new feeling every thirty seconds.
We put a monkey up in space and I know exactly how he felt.
Looking at the latticework of stars, missing his brothers back home.
Too much for a postcard.
Mercy, have we gone too far?
Who put all these criminals in charge?
Did they win, or just hold all the cards?
I'm leaving my place in LA, I'm gonna live in my car.
Surgery girls, from the USO.
Flown farm fresh, pure as snow.
Hand me that flask.
I just can't take it.
She had the eyes of my mom but she was turning me on.
Now I'm fading.
I got duct tape all around my heart.
I got a satellite dish to julienne my mind.
Two-hundred channels,
nothing's on but those network news can make your eyes see blonde.
Mercy, have we lost our way?
Did we come down the ladder from the apes?
Oh, those lonely apes.
Will the beard of the prophet be assuaged?
I was putting my shit in the car when the copters came.
They put a monkey in the white house and his uncle in the movies.
Now the real monkey wants a re-count.
He just couldn't believe they were his own family with those values.
Mercy, pick up your guitar.
We'll need a lot of heroes for this war.
Pick up your guitar.
"Will the last band please bring the flag?"
'cause no one's rocking the boat
and some kids here said they wanna dance.