Sunday, January 20, 2008

tired of my romantic life

I've found a loop hole and exploited it for the past five years of my life. I've made a few key decisions, let down some key people, and gotten away with murder. I've created my own room, with my own walls, littered with fragments of grand ideas. I study them for a few hours and drive myself to take a non-position on living. I'm swimming inside my brain, always hitting the walls and swimming back the other way, hitting another wall and so on. I continue this mindless wander and tell myself I'm in tune with intellect, philosophy and spirituality. It's humorous really. I love the irony of a man humbly proclaiming to have only scratched the surface of whatever great mystery he's discussing, and in some backwards way, through this "humble proclamation" reveals his underlying ego. I live a fake life where I'm afforded the luxury of time to ponder everything that is pointless, remain neutral, and leave the coffee shop making no progress in my development. I merely achieve to delay it, and drown myself in archaic ideas that really go no where. There is an urgent reality to living, and it involves practice, not theory or childish ambition; the responsibility of a sober and honest love, where you make yourself a servant. I haven't ventured into the reality of an existence in which your focus and propensity (or lack there of) to deal with the machine of living leads to great consequence. I've floated through my difficult years in hopes that I could skip them, but can anyone really skip them? And do difficult years ever pass completely? I'm suffering from lack of enthusiasm, and when I do become eager, it's for something distant. When does freedom catch up with you? I just spent some time looking at old pictures of my life of touring with Mae, and how sad and maybe even selfish is it that I need photos to remind me of how fortunate I am. And how cliche is it that I am just now beginning to realize that there is very little that can make me truly happy, that can truly put my mind at is like I'm living in a way that keeps me from enjoying what I think is genuine and not fleeting, and at the same time, I'm living a life that is very close to the one I imagined for myself when I was younger. The grass is always greener. I apologize for this post, it's probably a testament to the world I've created for myself in my own head, and it's that fabricated world which I'm reacting to, not the real world...and that is a problem. So what. So, there are two versions of myself, one is thankful and always grateful, the other is a drag. It's all so frightening. I'm very scattered, parts of me all over the place, and on any given day, i'll pick one part of myself, and play like it's all of me, when in reality, it's just a pathetic mood that is brought on because I'm bored. I'm just feeling what every person in the whole world feels, no big deal. Restless and unenthusiastic.

I was falling asleep earlier today, Virginia was dragging me to bed, but then I was awoken back into the reality the timeless truth and the safe bet on human suffering, and the backbone that love provides, hidden somewhere. It is truly saddening and awe inspiring. Some of my most thoughtful considerations occur when I can't control my mind and its wonderings. I tell myself I'm going to write them down, but I never do. I just wake up the next morning with the same predictable ambition, that I assume by now, is used to being abandoned. My journal is littered with words and regurgitated ideas, and sometimes when I read over them I'm not ashamed, and that is a good feeling...sometimes, I can barely read it, and that is OK as well. If I could just ignore everything, I would be a lot better off. So many things get inside my head just enough to annoy me, and to make me a drag. I whine...shut up. It all drives me to the bars.

All of you proud swans, floating about, unaware and fooled into elegance; on seran wrap ponds with nothing to speak of, just drifting about, looking pretty and unaffected, spouting your rehearsed lines, posing for pictures. The world is far gone.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just want you to know that you make perfect sense.

i find myself in that "difficult part" of my life. the thing is i'm terrified of never getting out of it and never being happy or satisfied like everyone else seems to be. i'm really jealous of people who don't overthink themselves constantly and are happy with where they are. i try to count this trying and drawn out part of my life as blessing because i'm not settling for a fake identity or fake joy. i'm searching for the real thing. and maybe when i find it everything will be worth it.

i hope.

1:26 PM

Blogger linds said...

It's one thing to have no opinions, but it's another thing to have thought about something so rationally that you can see both sides. If any issue was clearcut it would not be an issue.

When you can't find a cure, spread awareness...even self awareness is progress.

While I agree that there seem to be a lot of swans out there, I also think it's really easy to be mistaken for one.

10:08 PM

Blogger Melanie said...

Believe it or not, I think there are more people that could relate to what you have said than you might imagine. I can relate to a great deal of what you are saying.
You always express yourself so well, and I think you probably touch more people that you know as a result.

I am curious what you would consider real joy to be. You may have found the answer here:
"There is an urgent reality to living, and it involves practice, not theory or childish ambition; the responsibility of a sober and honest love, where you make yourself a servant."
It's not so easy setting aside "self" to truly be a servant. But sometimes that's where true joy is found. It gets lost sometimes in the day to day tasks of living. It is something that one can do whereever they are, but not always easily.

One thing that seems to be a certainty about life is that change is inevitable with everything but God, the one constant. That is where I find my peace and joy even if sometimes I bury it a little and have to rediscover both in Him. I'm in the midst of that process now.

I don't think you ever escape difficult times. I think some of my most difficult times are yet to come. I don't think we ever escape completely probably because we are human beings with all of our flaws?

I hope you truly find whatever you are seeking.

6:38 AM

Blogger Kristen said...

I just have to tell you I really love the way you write.

"If I could just ignore everything, I would be a lot better off. So many things get inside my head just enough to annoy me, and to make me a drag."

I feel the exact same way these past few months I couldn't have said it better myself if I tried.

11:40 AM

Blogger AJ said...

beautiful...your heart sounds like it is being prepared to give & receive the fullness of love. i am sooo excited for you! :)

"He also chose David His servant,
And took him from the sheepfolds;
From following the ewes that had young
He brought him,
To shepherd Jacob His people,
And Israel His inheritance.
So he shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart,
And guided them by the skillfulness of
his hands" (Psalm 78:70-72).

1:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your words are powerful. Although I'm not going to say I can relate about everything, since each person has different emotions and expresses them differently, I will say you're never alone with how you'refeeling. I actually can relate partially. I'm not going through a particularly great time in my life. And I often get lost within the clutter in my mind. Once in a while, I have moments that bring me back. I wish I had more of those moments. However, I do believe that whatever one is looking for, it always lies in the path ahead of them, you just have to keep your eyes open. Good luck my friend.

1:15 PM

Blogger Laura said...

If you wrote a book, I'd buy ten copies and read them all twice.

I really just want to tell you that so many people love you so much. Of course you know that, but it's one of those "it's more than you know" type things. I don't care that you're part of Mae. Granted that increases the number of "lovers" tenfold (only because we probably would never have known you otherwise), but you're just awesome. So many people are so thankful just to be able to meet you at shows. Both times I've seen you, you've said "Thanks for coming out," and I'm sure you will next time. Not a huge deal, I know, but it really stands out in my mind. I can honestly say you're my favorite member of the band...if I'm allowed to honestly say that. The smallest things turn me off of people, but Zach in general just makes me happy.


Please be happy, too.

5:05 PM


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