back in va

I would guess that I am mostly a cynical person with a pleasant rational disposition. I can't explain my outlook because I'm constantly surprised (for the better and worse) by my actions, and the actions of others. I believe that we are mostly unable, ungracious, ungrateful, selfish and conditioned to have tunnel vision. Although, at times, we are made aware, and at times infected with the mystery of some elusive ghost-like benign will, or sickness. It's as if the person you love the most in the world leaves you, and your bedroom still holds the faint memory of unconditional love, it survives in small hints, rare increments, fractions that can over take you in waves. Annoying fits of nostalgia that infect your behavior; some remnants of a general morality that offends no one, a morality fit for children. I think that beauty and hope mostly spawn from the unversed innocence, the naive ignorance of love and birth; a mystery that can never be predicted, understood, nor destroyed If we were ever lucky enough to understand it, we would surely ruin it with our famous arrogance and grandiose gung-ho. We could mix the substitute chemicals in state subsidized labs and bottle it, sell it and claim the soul remains the same. Thank God for the mystery and inebriation. My parents are the best counter to my gripes. As much as I point out the weakness of people, they can just stand there looking at me, not saying a word. Love shouts and whispers all at once..it just stares and lets me run my mouth all I want, grinning at me with a dismissive smirk and patting my head when my rant is done and I'm all out of breath. I can't get on board with optimism, but the good that does intertwine with the atmosphere and deserts, forests and plains, suburbs and sky scrapers. That benign will never settles until you trap it in something you value. It won't lie on your doorstep. It will always be influx, traveling from the slums to the gated communities. It is not socialist or capitalist, republican or democrat, upper or lower class, man or woman. It still flows to the outskirts, all the while exhausted and confused at the enigma of human nature. God made love non-sensical, it leaves us unable to explain actions that can stand in offensive contradiction to logic. Love is non-human, like venom that paralyzes our rationality and leaves us vulnerable, primitive and elated.