welcome back foolishness

the last year or so i've been rather scientific in my approach to people, to circumstance, and situations. I've been able to keep my feet dry, my head clear of certain pollution, i've been drawing straight clean lines with lucid focus. I think that most people might see living an overly rational, "cautionary" life as an unfortunate thing, less desirable than a life that follows"your heart" or something romantic. although, i feel that if you base your actions on a false idea of romance or story like happiness, your more likely to hurt people, and make excuses for yourself. i have (in my pass when I was someone else), in my broad, one-sided leaps of foolish faith that in, many cases, I brought the other person down with me, and many times used them to break my fall. i think that if you're a romantic, you could end up experimenting with people, using people to play a roll in your own movie, but there is a problem in that. i've done it, i guess we can all be rotten at times. but lately, my irrationality has been creeping around my shadows, reminding me that i still have a silly side, one that might ignore possible consequences. it always makes a grandiose appearance when there is something valuable at stake. when you care about something, or someone, you start to act less and less sensible. or maybe you are more liable to make these crazy jumps forward, jumping right over these important factors that should be taken into account. how ironic that when there is something that you might want, you might start missing these red flags that go up, these clear signs that should dictate your decision making, but for some reason, you don't wanna see it... you chose to miss it. the ability people have to lie to themselves is amazing. and you hope that it all works out, i truly do. I told a friend once that at the beginning of any relationship, or any situation you desire, you might me more inclined to be naive.. because you want it to happen. you ignore the negative or more realistic/pessimistic...simply because you don't want to hear the reality of a situation you wish to be actualized in a way that matches your idea of it. so in my life there is something i desire, and i hope I am able bring into my life in a healthy way. no corners should be cut, no self delusion or lying to soften any blows.

"oh sunshine. you nurture my arrogance, I love you. You encourage my delusions, will you stay by my side when I give up? Will you be my wife and keep me afloat amidst my disastrous pride? will you love me deep down to my struggling soul? a rotten display, nursed by the grace of a forgiving God and your saintly love"