Tuesday, February 19, 2008

welcome back foolishness

the last year or so i've been rather scientific in my approach to people, to circumstance, and situations. I've been able to keep my feet dry, my head clear of certain pollution, i've been drawing straight clean lines with lucid focus. I think that most people might see living an overly rational, "cautionary" life as an unfortunate thing, less desirable than a life that follows"your heart" or something romantic. although, i feel that if you base your actions on a false idea of romance or story like happiness, your more likely to hurt people, and make excuses for yourself. i have (in my pass when I was someone else), in my broad, one-sided leaps of foolish faith that in, many cases, I brought the other person down with me, and many times used them to break my fall. i think that if you're a romantic, you could end up experimenting with people, using people to play a roll in your own movie, but there is a problem in that. i've done it, i guess we can all be rotten at times. but lately, my irrationality has been creeping around my shadows, reminding me that i still have a silly side, one that might ignore possible consequences. it always makes a grandiose appearance when there is something valuable at stake. when you care about something, or someone, you start to act less and less sensible. or maybe you are more liable to make these crazy jumps forward, jumping right over these important factors that should be taken into account. how ironic that when there is something that you might want, you might start missing these red flags that go up, these clear signs that should dictate your decision making, but for some reason, you don't wanna see it... you chose to miss it. the ability people have to lie to themselves is amazing. and you hope that it all works out, i truly do. I told a friend once that at the beginning of any relationship, or any situation you desire, you might me more inclined to be naive.. because you want it to happen. you ignore the negative or more realistic/pessimistic...simply because you don't want to hear the reality of a situation you wish to be actualized in a way that matches your idea of it. so in my life there is something i desire, and i hope I am able bring into my life in a healthy way. no corners should be cut, no self delusion or lying to soften any blows.

"oh sunshine. you nurture my arrogance, I love you. You encourage my delusions, will you stay by my side when I give up? Will you be my wife and keep me afloat amidst my disastrous pride? will you love me deep down to my struggling soul? a rotten display, nursed by the grace of a forgiving God and your saintly love"


Anonymous Steven Murry said...

It funny you post this, because I was having the same sort of thought process during a conversation with my girlfriend last night. I want to say I can relate to you, but without knowing your past experiences, I'm not 100% certain, but I think I know exactly what you're talking about and it's nice to hear other people feel the same way I do. Thanks for the encouragement.

11:19 AM

Blogger Catherine said...

dont we all do that though? throw caution to the wind and make fools of ourselves in the name of whatever "love" it may be at the time.

12:03 PM

Blogger Sebastian said...

I know the feeling. I've made the mistake myself. When you want something or someone, you set your mind to picture the best case scenario, which leads to foolish decisions rather than rational ones. I'm getting better at controlling those things.

2:39 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

frankie loves you, and will be waiting with baited breath for your return. with his bone.

11:37 AM

Blogger AJ said...

yay! i had a feeling this fun season was coming soon for you, zach..as of late, your writing has reflected a heart being prepared to pursue love. enjoy her & let us know when she says "yes!" God's love, peace, and grace upon you both. :)

12:22 PM

Blogger Melanie said...

I tend to be rather rational in working things out in my mind, but often do act on the emotional. Emotions, romance, the emotional - they all have a purpose and place. Nothing is without bias in the human heart, so we will never get it perfect, and if you try you could well spin yourself into a million circles. It's true there is a fine line between rationality and rationalization, and sometimes I can be rather good at the latter. At some point you have to take a leap of faith and pray your are doing the right thing. And sometimes it's o.k. to be a little silly and spontaneous and see where it leads. Life would not be what it is without risks.


1:27 PM


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