i don't think i'm ever gonna figure it out

My opinion on humanity is open to a myriad of influence, I think I'm still pretty impressionable, even at 27. I thought that these might be my "obstinate" years, but that is not happening. the complex engine of my existence is paradoxical because even though my limbs and brain, eyes and heart, liver and spirit are functioning in a grotesque union, trying my best to follow that vague and illusive will. I still feel that there is unity in the compartments of my body. At any given moment my heart may be working over time, all the while my brain is dormant, and my eyes are not penetrating. I want to give myself more credit than Descartes may offer. I don't think I can reduce myself to just one body and one soul, there has to be more involved, because my conflicts and contradictions would indicate a complexity. The confusions and misleadings are too multi-dimensional and over lapping to come from merely two bullying sources. I can offer the metaphor of that lone sailor, isolated on his boat at the mercy of ocean currents. Frames of reference are only illusions. I never know where I am. I was reading over all of these blogs I've posted in the last two years and I feel as though I've grown less interesting, and there are many reasons I could give for me feeling this way. Obsessions and the revelation that the older I grow, the less I know. The more books I read, the further I travel away, not only from the truth I was desiring, but further from any truth at all. The Post Modern Truth. Everyone has their family, everyone has their friends, their colleagues, their congregation, and all of these can provide some degree of insulation, but when one goes to bed at night, that insulation is lifted. There is a constant isolation..I hesitate to call it loneliness. One can be surrounded by loved ones and friends, yet, in a way, one is in constant spiritual isolation. It's silly to confess to a priest, as if only through a verbal confession to a "divine medium" does one become aware of those events in which one transgressed the law of God or even common courtesy. I'm made dizzy by the swirling distractions which are the result of the external world as much as they a result of internal meandering and travel. Kierkegaard talks about the value and necessity of "remaining at faith" and not going beyond faith. Going beyond faith refers to the leap (which I think is unavoidable) that takes into a deeper search for reason, justification, justice, logical approaches, the scientific, a universal ethic. It focuses on the irony in which that search for a rational truth leads you further from any truth at all. I think that can be a valuable idea, at least something I can keep in mind. Cutting yourself off at the knees to keep a naive but honest joy in your heart. It's a hard thing for me to understand, but I think there is some value in that idea. I continue to be surprised and provoked, challenged. I am constantly pushed to re-evaluate myself in relation to how I view the tragedy and enigmatic current of love in my surrounding world. How can one ignore so much as to not be burdened by the question? I am not interested in books which claim to know how to find comfort in God, because awareness of God is a complete shift and things break down before they build up, and I can't see things any other way right now. To be honest with yourself in relation to God is never something I could imagine bringing comfort to a restless mind, and an experienced heart.

"I am quite sure that the difficulty does not lie in the fact that men are not in earnest. This is simply not the fact. All around us Christians are wearing themselves out in trying to be better. The amount of spiritual longing in the world--in the hearts of unnumbered thousands of men and women in whom we should never suspect it; among the wise and thoughtful; among the young and gay, who seldom assuage and never betray their thirst--this is one of the most wonderful and touching facts of life. It is not more heart that is needed, but more light; not more force, but a wiser direction to be given to very real energies already there."--Henry Drummond