Sunday, August 03, 2008

harlot and murderer

my passion/fury has to have direction, or else it is merely clutter and distraction in my brain and heart. I almost came to tears yesterday reading about two sinners, one reading the story of Lazarus to the other, crying with conviction and faith as she read it to a skeptic. A harlot witnessing to a murderer. I started to wonder where my passion for Christ rests, where it finds its motivation and muse. My heart has a narrow key hole when it comes to the adoration, or worship...it is only opened by honesty. Exploration needs a purpose, skepticism needs a direction, a goal is needed. Someone asked me what is most important to me tonight, and my answer came with no hesitation, "my understanding of Christ and the freedom to experience conflict in that search." It comforted me that I answered so easily. Christ is becoming an absolute truth that is surrounded by tragedy, how alone He must feel. I went to church the other week and I experienced the expected cringe, followed by remorse for my attitude. I wish that I could swim from one pocket of beauty to another, they are illusive and so subjective. How much beauty does there have to be in order for everyone to experience it in their own way? The abundance of miracles is heartbreaking really. Shall I say we suffer from wretched sense of entitlement, some sick expectations of pleasures and comfort, convenience...something of the sort. I suppose I'm interested in organization lately...a cohesive idea that encompasses all of my opinions on things as I've experienced them thus far. I've lived for 27 years, so I'm ready to write my first draft, and I'm excited for it to be modified in another ten years. I'm sure it will become less aggressive, more passive, more gentle, more wise. I think that everyone should realize that I believe that importance and justification of living exists in the search for understanding of Christ and finding someone you love.

"The candle-end had long been burning out in the bent candlestick, casting a dim light in this destitute room upon the murderer and the harlot strangely come together over the reading of the eternal book."

6 Comments:

Blogger rachel! said...

i am embarassed because i admire you so much and it probably looks like i stalk you and am in love with you. but i swear i'm not! and i won't stalk you! i don't know, none of my friends really think like this. or tell me that they think like this, or talk to me like this. and so i really appreciate this. i look forward to every blog!! and then i feel really cheesy commenting on them everytime: 1) because i don't really ever say anything worthwhile and 2)i just don't know what to say and i feel like i'm just trying to sit at the cool kids table, or something like that. yeee!


life is so fun! and so rich and beautiful. sometimes i can hardly stand it. that feeling when you feel like you are going to burst out of your skin. AND THEN, i realize that there is sooo much more than this. and if i truly realized that now, i would burst out of my skin and i would probably die someone like me, someone human, can't handle beauty and truth like that. probably.

1:26 AM

 
Blogger David said...

thank you for reading rachel :-). no need to embarrasssed..i appreciate you reading and commenting.

7:29 AM

 
Blogger Melanie said...

Sometimes there isn't much one can say or add, except that the promise was that if you truly search for him, you will find him.

Some friends of yours taught me to look at the clouds and keep looking up. Others have taught me to not look up so much I neglect what's here and now. This world is a cacophony of beauty and tragedy. I am comforted by the beauty and the fact that there is more to life than this. Sometimes I feel almost too blessed, if that makes sense.

One of my favorite movies is a tragedy, but it is a tragedy with hope. Somehow, that is something I can relate to. Christ died alone. That is a tragedy, and something I can relate to. The hope is that he didn't stay that way.

I can generally get something even out of the deadest church service. I've found that if I read the Bible and pray along with any teaching, I get something out of it. It's funny how that works. I think it must be a living word after all?

We do have to find our own way. After all, this is a relationship. It involves, love, committment, communication, exploration. Honesty is key, and that may be the most difficult part - at least for me.

I will say that I appreciated what you had to say, and the story of the harlot witnessing to a murderer - that is what it's all about. The sad thing is that somehow we think we are sometimes better than that. There is the trap, imo.

O.K. I'm just rambling. I'd better quit now. LOL It's funny that when I think something has left me speechless, I find words after all.

--Melanie

10:10 AM

 
Blogger AJ said...

wow...this has been my prayer for you. :)

11:23 AM

 
Blogger Jecca said...

this has been my prayer for you as well. thank you for sharing with us.

3:22 PM

 
Blogger AJ said...

but...my other prayer is that we will toast a shot of whiskey together someday as friends..so, what does that mean..i'm a drinkin' sinner who loves Jesus & loves people! there ya go...you & benj should come visit me in id-a-ho! :)

4:33 PM

 

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