Thursday, May 01, 2008

part 3-es muss sein

"I am living a life and forming opinions, I am being defined by what I see, what I hear, what I experience, and the "continual process of becoming", which I have mentioned before. I will be an old man, joyous and bitter after living a life of travel, both literal and metaphorically. The things my parents have always told me are resurfacing and making my life a bit easier to take. I'm joining the ranks of normalcy, and with any luck, entering into the the cycle of stories that will maybe teach some distant relative of mine a small lesson. I'm sure there are a million like me, but we're only connected if we desire to be."

There are two certainties when it comes to my subjective existence; frustration and humble gratitude. This blog usually shows the former, for many reasons, one of which is that frustration and angst is always more inspiring than a pleasant complacency. I could talk about my gratitude, and perhaps I will. It's best to keep what I love the most at a very basic and unevolved. It is always an exercise of will to keep your tastes and sources of happiness in a very humble place, because if there is anything that this country believes in, it is the irrational american dream of everything that is external and fleeting, and subjective to market trends; which of course, are dominated by people whose existence is defined by one word--capitalism. I'm not talking about the version of capitalism that encourages human intellect and fairness of competition, no, i'm talking about the version of capitalism that encourages the worst aspects of human nature. (I digress so easily, I'm like a child, or a product of the trash culture blitzkrieg). What am I thankful for? It's simple really, and my whole existence will hopefully a display of gratitude towards these things, but I'm not sure I've been passing that test so far. There are certain people in my life that are responsible for who I am, and there are certain things which have played a large role in my design, many of those things I've mentioned in the last two blogs. (There is still one aspect of my design which I haven't touched on yet, and that is the political sphere, but I have refrained from that because I think it's tiresome and yields very little revelation in comparison to the surgery of the human condition, and people don't want to hear my rant about my socialistic tendencies, which are wrapped up in the blanket of a reality which would probably prove to expose the short-comings of socialism, much like reality exposes the short-comings of everything else which is "ideal"..maybe some day) :::::big breath:::::
What can bring me to the verge of tears is awareness of the "evolutionary irrational" display of love. Paternal, TRUE agape, romantic and familial love. Self sacrifice of the highest degree, all for even a moment of happiness for the person which that love is expressed. My friend recently had a baby, and his existence ceases to be a selfish venture at that moment. From the time that child is born, all purpose moves from self preservation to the preservation of your child, to the point that you would stop living, even if it meant that your child could live one day longer. I use the term "evolutionary irrational" not in the scientific sense, I use it to express the extreme self sacrifice of one's own happiness and life for someone other than yourself. Survival of the fittest is challenged by the idea of true love.

My eyes hurt right now, and I'm exhausted from the rain and roads of New Jersey, and the constant bombardment of cheap gimmicks and drunk teenagers. Tomorrow, we play one more show with Switchfoot and then I fly home to Florida, where I look forward a lot of porch dwelling, soft lights and the enriching deadness of dusk in May. I had a lovely time with a friend of mine last night. We drove around Newark New Jersey, got lost, and finally found a Burger King at around 11 p.m. and proceeded to talk about the environment, indifference, child labor, and one boy and one girl. I talked a lot, and while in the rambling depths of my rant I started noticing her eyes drift, and I can't blame her. I lost my train thought numerous times and was probably incoherent. She was polite enough to let me talk myself stupid and then I stopped. I've known her for a while, I met her years ago on warped tour, she was working the recycling tent.

I titled this blog "es muss sein", which I got from a book, which mentioned the german phrase in reference to a piece by Beethoven. It means "it must be" and I like it because it connects with my idea of resignation. I don't think of resignation as a bad thing, nor does it represent complacency. I think the human mind should always be working, considering the endless array of collisions and near misses in life. Resignation refers to the therapeutic deep breath that is necessary. Considering every unanswered question you face in life, and considering how lost people become in their justified search and sometimes tragic cheap fix, it is very easy to become an enemy or, a complete contradiction of your naked, naive, infant self. Resignation, for me, is the undercurrent of rationality and "big picture" view that will keep you sane. I can resign to mystery and at the end of the day appreciate it, even though it can easily wear down on you. Resignation is a shift of perspective, from the tension of fighting current to the liberation of letting it take you where it wants. Let your eyes wander of their on will and they can find some wonderful things. I can't understand how people can ignore so much, but I can't understand how people can become trapped in their bitterness, and in my life, I am lucky for the people who pull me out of the mud and slap me around a little. I'm stubborn maybe, opinionated, but my parents and my brother kept my head square on my shoulders. There is just as much good as bad. I realize that, so get off my back. Thank you.
Es Muss Sein


Blogger AJ said...

aww...porch dwelling, soft lights, and dusk...sounds like a slice of heaven. enjoy. :)

8:36 PM

Blogger Melanie said...

I think I'd like to post this somewhere.
"Survival of the fittest is challenged by the idea of true love."

I'm really glad you have a friend you can talk to like talk yourself totally out. That, for me, might be difficult, but I have so known the talking tired thing. Sometimes you do work things out that way even if you don't think you are quite coherent.
As for mind wandering and rambling, I probably have you beat. hahaha At the risk of having one of those moments, I would say that completely unbridled capitalism doesn't always work because of human nature. On the other hand, socialism only works if everyone agrees to the terms, has the same goal and is committed. That happens rarely. Maybe the resignation is realizing that there is no real solution in this world, and one just does what they can to love and make things better?

I'm grateful for and hopeful we can all find people in our lives that can keep our focus where it needs to be. The problem with bitterness is that it is so much work to keep it up, but not so hard to slip into just the same. It's just too tiring and life is too short, I suppose.

Anyway, I have to echo what AJ said. Enjoy your time at home.

12:36 AM

Blogger BK said...

I have nothing profound or clever to thought-provoking to offer, but your posts always make me think. I love your questioning spirit. I love even more your want to search out the answers for yourself. It's too easy to pretend to believe or understand or follow. Keep sharing. Maybe in the process you'll figure out some things for the rest of us, too. Plus, you unknowingly make my list of favorite quotes fairly often. So thanks for all of it. Soak in all of your family time. That's where it's at.

8:56 AM

Blogger billy said...

so what's on the docket for your time in Florida?

3:12 PM


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home