home

We just got home. I slept the whole way home. I always forget about certain things that are in my room when I'm gone for so long. This time, the highlight was the new set of bed sheets that I was given, I saw them and immediately smiled. I saw a whole lot of mail on the kitchen table, most of which I throw away. I hate opening up my computer and having a lot of emails, i always think there will be bad news, it's the same thing with "snail mail"...all of these Bank of America envelopes..ugh. At the show today, I was exhausted. One of my amps stopped working yesterday, and so today, I had to change my approach to playing show, I had to be a lot more cognizant, which made me feeling boring. I kept doing the same thing, walking back to the drum riser, then back to my pedal board. I felt silly on stage, like all of my mistakes were very audible. There were a lot of beach balls floating around, bouncing off of heads. I kept seeing dogs pulling people around on skateboards, and I would see people singing a long and having fun, and I also saw people walking away during our set. My head kept spinning the same thought..."one more time, one more time then we're done." So now we're done, and the last 5 weeks definitely happened, I have the pictures to prove it, but it was someone else who lived it, I just sat there and watched, analyzed, and made irrational judgements about what was going on, and why. I finished a book, I think I did...hmm, no I take that back...I got through some short stories. My life is strange, and I'm a boring person, silly even. In North Carolina, a few of us were back stage having a conversation about music, and I was running my mouth about certain bands and their similarities. I think I became needless in the specifics and I became aware that I would probably think I was lame if I watched myself go on these rants. I have this muted desire to have a life like the characters in High Fidelity. I feel like everyone was probably rolling their eyes in their head and waiting patiently for me to shut up. I'm afraid that I have a lot of personality characteristics I would find annoying in someone else. Denial freaks me out. Being home is nice, I'm getting tired fast.