fragmented jesus and self aware (loathing) christianity

I haven't written anything lately. I'm reading a couple books right now...actually, I'm reading three books right now, and they aren't related in any way other than the fact they are all about God. All three texts are ultimately leading me to the same ideas, reinforced over and over again, and aside from the occasional new perspective, I really haven't felt motivated to write about something which I have already beat to death in my past posts. It's somewhat fulfilling that the problems I have focused on in the past are seemingly being reaffirmed as I continue to read and wonder, although, it is a bummer that I'm essentially reaffirming the impossibility of Christianity. The impossibility is not based on "lack of evidence" or anything boring or collegiate like that, it is simply an honest concern. Kierkegaard mentions that Christianity is an "eternal process of becoming", and I take that to mean a lot of things, one of them being the idea that one can never become a Christian, one can only try eternally, to become one. I think Christianity should be like voting, one can only decide to become one after they are completely self-willed and independent of any coercion. I was baptized when I was 7 years old, or maybe I was 11, either way, now I'm 27 and might as well be 4 years old in relation to spirituality. I've considered copying words from journal to this blog, but I'm not going to...they aren't written in any form that is aimed at being read.

Honestly, my thoughts aren't organized (per usual) enough to make sense of what I want to say, nor are they very cohesive. Essentially, I've been milling over two things lately, they are only related through specific texts that in will not necessarily mean anything to anyone else. There is no soft way to mention this problem, essentially, I can't get away from the idea that self awareness in relation to God can never be completely bearable. At it's best, it is a nagging presence in your thought process, at it's worst, it's agonizing. (forgive my dramatic diction) I'll just say what I told a friend:

" christianity, if taken seriously, creates this division of the self. The body and soul that God created is mourned because of the sinful nature of huamanity. So, as a christian we are told to eradicate our very self (Matthew 16:24), in order to have his will fill the void. But his will is so enigmatic that we ultimately end up rationalizing our shortfalls in understanding. We bridge the gaps with our own human intellect (an intellect which is frowned up on because of the pride and humanistic tendencies it can harbor) and ultimately worship a God that is a product of our own idea of perfection that has been a mix of conditioning, "culturalization", convenience and possiblity."

So, that is a rough description of something I've been going over. The self aware christian can become a self loathing christian very quickly and it is completely understandable. I don't mean to point blame to "those" who are guilty of this. I believe we are all guilty of it. I feel inclined to continue on this topic, maybe try to make more sense of what I mean to those of you who might be reading, but I'm not going to. The "crisis" is self explanatory.

I referenced Matthew in the previous paragraph...Oh! The bible! I chose to believe Mark's version of Jesus rather than Luke's (in relation to their differing accounts of the crucifixion). I would love to take comfort in the Jesus depicted in Luke, but I feel like Mark's version paints a more honest and vulnerable Jesus, overwhelmed by love and confusion. I used to be able to take solace in John 3:16 or Ephesians 2:8, but then I read James 2:26. Let the semantics begin!! Please, I'm encouraging everyone to assuage my scrutiny pertaining to the "inerrancy" of the Bible. (that is a trick) No, I don't believe the bible is inerrant. In Mark, Jesus says that the end is near and that "this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened", so if the bible is inerrant, Jesus was wrong. I'm shooting my mouth off. So, please, tell me again that I'm reading this verse wrong, please tell me that I'm not taking into account the context in which these things were written. Tell me that I am supposed to pleasantly swallow Paul's advice in Phillippians 1:15-18, which I don't agree with at all. Jesus is fragmented, accounts of his life differ from book to book of the New Testament. This does nothing to challenge my belief that Jesus existed, but it does nothing to confirm his assumed "divinity" either, that is something that only faith can provide. The centuries that have passed between the life of Jesus and the modern era have effectively placed a blinding and deafening buffer on the cultural outrage of the "reality" of Jesus, if we are indeed to take the stories from the bible at face value. History has silenced him, owned him, softened him, and turned his life into a heroic legend rather than a short, misunderstood, lowly tragedy. I remember seeing mewithouyou in DC and when Aaron (the singer, for those of you who don't know) mentioned Jesus Christ, the crowd cheered and he quickly silenced them and asked why they were cheering...that makes sense to me.

How strange and difficult it is that humanity is God's most valued creation and at the same time his most vile offense. I am a valued creation and I am a vile offense.

Anyway.....hmm, anyway.