I need a mirror.

I believe I might be rather aimless in my direction this morning. I woke up too early and then started to read the bible, then I read the posts on my blog and your responses. I read the posts on Jacob's blog and Dave's blog, Rob's blog as well. I wrote in my journal, I wrote about my discontent and my lack of peace of mind, not with the "church" or whatever, but with myself. I felt like I am missing the point. As much as I gripe and complain, as cynical as I have become, I wonder if the problem lies within myself. I get overwhelmingly emotional when I feel God, when I see products of his Grace in others. I see it in passion, in spontaneity, I see it in places that I would never expect. Although, I think what's more important than seeing it in other things is that other people see God in you. I'm wondering where my deep disgust comes from, it has been really easy for me to believe in God in my life. I have been blessed with a fortunate upbringing, loving parents, and a life rather easy. Faith isn't hard when you have things to be thankful for, but when Faith in God really counts is when a life is hard, when a life is seemingly hopless. I feel like a fraud. What kind of heart does it take to have faith in a God, when the church neglects you, when "christians" reject you, when life forgets you. I have had it easy. I do not fabricate my cynicism, it is a result, but at what point does it become distracting? At what point does it become counter productive. Sometimes I still feel isolated in my reasoning, why am I so overwhelmed with it. When do I grow, and move away from it, move beyond it. Kierkegaard said that it is "one thing to stand on one leg and prove God's existence, it is another thing to get down on both knees and thank Him." At one point do I resign my ideals and focus on my own insides. I do not mean to hide God's truth, his love and his grace, I mean to expose it for what I think it is, but perhaps that puts me in the same camp as those I gripe about. What am I missing? How can there be so many conflicting views about one truth? Why is the bible at times, not comforting, but trying? Am I justified in my bitterness, or is it just a product of my youthful ignorance and me being misguided? I love reading all the responses you give me, I love reading my fellow band mates' thoughts, I learn so much from you, from them. It convicts me, it makes me look back in myself and I realize that I am a child, and that I do not understand God because of my own lack of understanding. The church is not keeping from Him, no one is, the only thing that keeps me from Him is my own stubborness and arrogance. I want to let everyone know that I am aware of that, I do not mean to come of as self righteous, or wise. I feel like a child with eyes so very wide in my search for the truth of God that I am distracted by everything that comes into my periphery. I've always thought of the church as being rather devoid of mirrors in which to see themselves, and I realize that I am in dire need of an honest mirror. I'm merely trying. I don't want routine, or ritual. I want the reality of it all.

"He who loves god has no need of tears nor of admiration. He forgets his suffering in love, forgets it so completely that he would not have the faintest idea of his pains if God himself did not remember them. He sees that which is hidden and knows the torment; He counts the tears and forgets nothing."--Kierkegaard